why will i stop tearing

would you pls stop this
and be good

happiness

i've been wanting to say this a long time ago.
but i wasn't certain, and i just didn't want to sound like i didn't mean it

i guess i am happy now
and i have been happy
that i'm finally on the right track of my life

past few years were really a show
i haven't been living the way i wanted to live
i just didn't realize it
that those things that i used to go after
those things that i used to do
and some people who i used to hang out with
they all don't make up the life that i truly wanted

all the partying
the dressing up
looking pretty
designer bags
are all for show
it's like putting up a show for people to watch
people that i don't even really like
i can say that out of all the bags that i own
i only truly like some, just a few of them

for the past few months
i've led a different approach to live my life
and to see the world
i now appreciate the little finer things in life
relationships with dear ones
the beauty of nature
the peace and serenity of mind
simplicity in most of the things
humanity
and how to live like a human

i cook, i bake, and i do things for my loved ones
i apply for a job, and i got one now
i give my love, instead of just receiving

i guess i can safely say that i am happy now

im feeling so lost
been missing you
feeling down
and no one to turn to

i want to go back to last time
when i can just talk to you
and you dont get angry with me
or make me tear
but i know things won't be the same again

things are broken
feelings are mixed up
trust is no longer there
hopes are gone

i really wish we can patch things up
but i know
no matter how we try
things will not be as wonderful anymore

i look at my girlfriends
see how happy they are
see how their boys treat them
only happiness
pamper them
ensuring them about the future
letting the girls throw tantrum at them
but not the other way round

you give me sadness
and insecurity
how would i trust you again?
i don't want to live in worries everyday
thinking of you lost money again
worry if you took the money for our baby's education to gamble

no matter how much i love you
we all still live in the world of reality
where love doesn't feed the kids

i'm no longer looking for a burning hot love
all i want now is security and a husband material

i seriously don't know what to do anymore

Rover is the only doggie
who has never broken my heart
never left by my side
always faithful
and wanted nothing but me

When I was in kindy, I always wanted to go to primary school, and wear that blue and white uniform and take the school bus to school just like my brother.

When I was in primary school, I wanted to grow boobs and wear that light blue and white uniform.

When I was in secondary school, I couldn't wait to finish school so I could colour my hair blonde and go to private college.

When I was doing my degree, I couldn't wait to finish and go to the working world, where I believe is where I belong.

And here I am now, thinking of doing simple things in life.

Playing with rover, watching him as he asks for my attention by pawing my feet. Watching astro programmes. Drinking hot milo and dipping biscuits into it. Talking to my brother who is my longest friend.

Now I'm all grown up, and all I want is to be 5 years old again.

Here I am again, sitting in front of my laptop, wearing my new pair of glasses, penning down what's been on my mind, for the past few hours, days, months.

I have been starting to apply for a job, since I got settled down in KL, after months of traveling. Went for interviews at two companies, and no replies yet.

I feel tired. I feel sick. I feel defeated.

I always believed that I am capable of getting any job that I want. And I must admit now, that I am naive as how I was when I believed that there were policemen outside our house to watch me when my mum went out when I was barely 5 years old. That's another story to tell.

I am so naive, that I thought that I was the only person applying for a job, that requires working experience of 2 years. I was naive, or maybe too arrogant to think that I was good, because they called me for an interview, and that they'd take me anytime.

I feel so tired now I just feel like giving up. I don't know how many rounds of interview others go through before they are hired. I had two rounds, and I feel defeated already.

I just feel like quitting everything now, pack my stuff, go to Cambodia or India and learn some culture and religion teachings.

And I know whatever I'm feeling now, is how a weak person feels when he/she faces some problems. Weaklings, and I am one of them.

I am tired of putting up happy faces, telling people that I'm ok, because I always appear to be. Whether it's on an exam day, or assignment due date, I always managed to get through them, with my last minute effort.

But I guess that doesn't work anymore. Last minute and being lazy.

I really want to go back to those days when I just had to think of what to cook and eat when I wake up, do some jogging or cycling, cook, eat, and watch the square box till I fall asleep.

It's such a pain to actually wake up, and realize that I am actually nobody, and that whatever I've acquired these years, my education, is bullshit because I always got my way through, just because I have better memorizing skills that others.

People always assume that I am smart. But the fact that I know very well is, I am not. And how I got through with all the exams and assignments is still a gift from God which I call luck. Luck has always been on my side for the past few years. But I think it has left me this year.

And it feels like shit not having any luck.

Sometimes I just wish that I could turn back time, and I would not continue studying after SPM. Joining an airline as an attendant sounds like a good choice. Exploring the world, without having to pay for the flight tickets, and yet you still get paid.

But that would change my life totally. I wouldn't have met so many people who matter to me. People who have made an impact in my life in some ways, negative or positive. And of course I wouldn't have met this monkey in the strangest way, but ended up being the closest person to me now.

Right now, I really don't want to care about anything. I don't want to send out my resume. I don't want to attend any interviews. I don't want to have to report to my parents about my job hunting progress. I don't want to have to answer to my peers about my situation and condition. And I definitely don't want to enter the world of responsibilities and wage slaving.

All I want now, is to close my eyes, and forget the world.

zeeaalous

i can't believe i spent more than 3 hours on trying to find out how she looks like.

1malaysia

1malaysia.

it's the campaign that's trying to educate malaysians to be united.

does it work?

surely. only for those who accept people and culture not of their own.

i've heard so many people complaining about other races.

my own race, chinese, thinks that malays are stupid, and lazy.

stupid? how do you define stupid?

failing in maths test? didn't you fail in your bahasa melayu and sejarah too?

people are good at certain stuff n i guess failing one of the things that are not within their expertise is not considered stupid, is it?

making fun of them because they don't eat pork, due to religion restriction. is it funny? then why don't you start eating beef then?

i've come to realize that people who have hatred against other races are

1. chinese educated all the way.
2. people who don't get to have any friends from other races. when i say friends, i mean people who you hang out with, not just to work with.
3. people who have not seen the world.
4. close-minded people who think that they are the best, when in fact they are just a very small part of the country, which is a very small part of the world.

open up your mind, and your heart.
accept others.

this world doesn't just revolve around you.

it's true when you said that no one is true to me besides my family.

no one

not even you

fuck this bullshit, like you said.

the list

List of things

* how you always tell me you love my food
* how you take photos of my cooking
* when you take photos of me when i'm cooking
* when you defend your food from your friends
* when you put on the helmet for me when we go cycling
* how you keep looking back at me when you're cycling infront of me
* how you keep asking me if i'm ok while cycling
* how you make sure i'm on the right track
* how you always tickle me when i slow down from jogging
* and run away when i get angry
* and surrender when i say 'you run some more!'
* how you always entertain me by playing roll on the floor
* and always grab me so i won't jump off the bed
* and eventually both of us end up on the floor
* and laugh together with me
* how you always hug me when we're on the bed
* the way you look at me
* and the way your evil-looking eyes go smaller and longer
* and you smirk
* the way you call me bb
* and bbbbbb while shaking your head
* the way you always feel my feet to tell if im feeling cold
* and wrap my feet though i feel umcomfortable

these are only part of the list

the list that makes me go (: when i think about it
and feel in love all over again

karma bitch, karma

hi my friend. im here to talk again.

being lied to. being explained to.

believed the explanation.

and only to find out the explanation is another lie.

it's so hurtful.

it's hurtful because i never thought people would actually lie to me.

like, why?

at this point of life i just feel like only daddy mummy korkor mama rover and fifi (maybe not, when it comes to food) and maybe carrot are true to me.

it hit me so hard that i just don't want to see anyone anymore besides my closed ones.

The Miss Poons.

I'm back and broke. lol.

Had my favourite noodle. Room's clean and tidy (thanks mummy or kakak!) but some clothes went missing. Guess they're at my aunt's or charity centre.

My aunt and cousin love to raid my wardrobe whenever I'm not around. Sometimes they'd just come by, wearing my belongings and say, 'Oh I saw this the other day and I think I look great in it. I bet you don't remember this belongs to you.'

Sometimes she'd say, 'You wouldn't even notice if I take something out of your wardrobe. So, might as well.'

I like how close my aunt and I are that she'd just take my stuff without having to ask, because she knew that I wouldn't mind anyway. After all, she's my aunt who stayed with me during my younger years and dressed me up like a princess.

She'd braid my hair and wear all sorts of cute and pretty clips on my head. She'd buy me all the lacey dresses and made sure I had matching shoes to go with them.

It feels good to be home.

Of Ferrero ice-cream, swans, and tulips

I was sitting at the backyard with a bowl of il-gelato ferrero ice-cream on my hand.
As spoons of ice-cream slowly melted in my mouth
I watched the birds flew by
I got mesmerized by the beauty of the roses, planted by Chong papa and mama.
And I think I found some peace, in my mind, and in the sacred soul of mine.

I wish I could just live here for the rest of my life.

There are no shopping malls that open till 10p.m everyday.
There are no mamak stalls that you can spot every few kms, or probably few metres.
There are no such thing is Tuesday ladies' night, Wednesday Mambo Jambo, Thursday 4Play or any consistent events every week, in different clubs.
There's only one club that is happening enough, Metro City, which only opens on Saturday nights.
There are no tall buildings, they can only be found in the city.
There are no 24 hours restaurants or cafe like OldTown or PapaKopitiam.
There is no such thing as calling your friends at 2a.m and you still can go somewhere with them.
You can't speed here and you have to constantly drive below the speed limit.
You can't just pay off the police with RM50.
And there are no happening people.

But there are beautiful gardens and lakes in each housing area.
There are swans and ducks and dogs that don't go around chasing people.
There are beautiful, clean beaches just half an hour drive away.
Beautiful sceneries are everywhere.
Greens, clear blue sky, and colourful flowers that paint the picture perfect.
You don't have to buy imported tulips or roses.
They are locally grown here.
There are friendly, helpful, and genuine people everywhere.
The policemen are well respected.
They are looked up to, as they should be.
There are bbq nights where you get to see your friends and drink, and in the end you see 3 of the same friend.
There are people who you call friends and you don't compare or compete with them.
Who cares about Chanel or Prada?
Just down that shot of 151.

But you don't always get what you want.
That's the thing about life.