why will i stop tearing

would you pls stop this
and be good

happiness

i've been wanting to say this a long time ago.
but i wasn't certain, and i just didn't want to sound like i didn't mean it

i guess i am happy now
and i have been happy
that i'm finally on the right track of my life

past few years were really a show
i haven't been living the way i wanted to live
i just didn't realize it
that those things that i used to go after
those things that i used to do
and some people who i used to hang out with
they all don't make up the life that i truly wanted

all the partying
the dressing up
looking pretty
designer bags
are all for show
it's like putting up a show for people to watch
people that i don't even really like
i can say that out of all the bags that i own
i only truly like some, just a few of them

for the past few months
i've led a different approach to live my life
and to see the world
i now appreciate the little finer things in life
relationships with dear ones
the beauty of nature
the peace and serenity of mind
simplicity in most of the things
humanity
and how to live like a human

i cook, i bake, and i do things for my loved ones
i apply for a job, and i got one now
i give my love, instead of just receiving

i guess i can safely say that i am happy now

im feeling so lost
been missing you
feeling down
and no one to turn to

i want to go back to last time
when i can just talk to you
and you dont get angry with me
or make me tear
but i know things won't be the same again

things are broken
feelings are mixed up
trust is no longer there
hopes are gone

i really wish we can patch things up
but i know
no matter how we try
things will not be as wonderful anymore

i look at my girlfriends
see how happy they are
see how their boys treat them
only happiness
pamper them
ensuring them about the future
letting the girls throw tantrum at them
but not the other way round

you give me sadness
and insecurity
how would i trust you again?
i don't want to live in worries everyday
thinking of you lost money again
worry if you took the money for our baby's education to gamble

no matter how much i love you
we all still live in the world of reality
where love doesn't feed the kids

i'm no longer looking for a burning hot love
all i want now is security and a husband material

i seriously don't know what to do anymore

Rover is the only doggie
who has never broken my heart
never left by my side
always faithful
and wanted nothing but me

When I was in kindy, I always wanted to go to primary school, and wear that blue and white uniform and take the school bus to school just like my brother.

When I was in primary school, I wanted to grow boobs and wear that light blue and white uniform.

When I was in secondary school, I couldn't wait to finish school so I could colour my hair blonde and go to private college.

When I was doing my degree, I couldn't wait to finish and go to the working world, where I believe is where I belong.

And here I am now, thinking of doing simple things in life.

Playing with rover, watching him as he asks for my attention by pawing my feet. Watching astro programmes. Drinking hot milo and dipping biscuits into it. Talking to my brother who is my longest friend.

Now I'm all grown up, and all I want is to be 5 years old again.

Here I am again, sitting in front of my laptop, wearing my new pair of glasses, penning down what's been on my mind, for the past few hours, days, months.

I have been starting to apply for a job, since I got settled down in KL, after months of traveling. Went for interviews at two companies, and no replies yet.

I feel tired. I feel sick. I feel defeated.

I always believed that I am capable of getting any job that I want. And I must admit now, that I am naive as how I was when I believed that there were policemen outside our house to watch me when my mum went out when I was barely 5 years old. That's another story to tell.

I am so naive, that I thought that I was the only person applying for a job, that requires working experience of 2 years. I was naive, or maybe too arrogant to think that I was good, because they called me for an interview, and that they'd take me anytime.

I feel so tired now I just feel like giving up. I don't know how many rounds of interview others go through before they are hired. I had two rounds, and I feel defeated already.

I just feel like quitting everything now, pack my stuff, go to Cambodia or India and learn some culture and religion teachings.

And I know whatever I'm feeling now, is how a weak person feels when he/she faces some problems. Weaklings, and I am one of them.

I am tired of putting up happy faces, telling people that I'm ok, because I always appear to be. Whether it's on an exam day, or assignment due date, I always managed to get through them, with my last minute effort.

But I guess that doesn't work anymore. Last minute and being lazy.

I really want to go back to those days when I just had to think of what to cook and eat when I wake up, do some jogging or cycling, cook, eat, and watch the square box till I fall asleep.

It's such a pain to actually wake up, and realize that I am actually nobody, and that whatever I've acquired these years, my education, is bullshit because I always got my way through, just because I have better memorizing skills that others.

People always assume that I am smart. But the fact that I know very well is, I am not. And how I got through with all the exams and assignments is still a gift from God which I call luck. Luck has always been on my side for the past few years. But I think it has left me this year.

And it feels like shit not having any luck.

Sometimes I just wish that I could turn back time, and I would not continue studying after SPM. Joining an airline as an attendant sounds like a good choice. Exploring the world, without having to pay for the flight tickets, and yet you still get paid.

But that would change my life totally. I wouldn't have met so many people who matter to me. People who have made an impact in my life in some ways, negative or positive. And of course I wouldn't have met this monkey in the strangest way, but ended up being the closest person to me now.

Right now, I really don't want to care about anything. I don't want to send out my resume. I don't want to attend any interviews. I don't want to have to report to my parents about my job hunting progress. I don't want to have to answer to my peers about my situation and condition. And I definitely don't want to enter the world of responsibilities and wage slaving.

All I want now, is to close my eyes, and forget the world.

zeeaalous

i can't believe i spent more than 3 hours on trying to find out how she looks like.