Here I am again, sitting in front of my laptop, wearing my new pair of glasses, penning down what's been on my mind, for the past few hours, days, months.

I have been starting to apply for a job, since I got settled down in KL, after months of traveling. Went for interviews at two companies, and no replies yet.

I feel tired. I feel sick. I feel defeated.

I always believed that I am capable of getting any job that I want. And I must admit now, that I am naive as how I was when I believed that there were policemen outside our house to watch me when my mum went out when I was barely 5 years old. That's another story to tell.

I am so naive, that I thought that I was the only person applying for a job, that requires working experience of 2 years. I was naive, or maybe too arrogant to think that I was good, because they called me for an interview, and that they'd take me anytime.

I feel so tired now I just feel like giving up. I don't know how many rounds of interview others go through before they are hired. I had two rounds, and I feel defeated already.

I just feel like quitting everything now, pack my stuff, go to Cambodia or India and learn some culture and religion teachings.

And I know whatever I'm feeling now, is how a weak person feels when he/she faces some problems. Weaklings, and I am one of them.

I am tired of putting up happy faces, telling people that I'm ok, because I always appear to be. Whether it's on an exam day, or assignment due date, I always managed to get through them, with my last minute effort.

But I guess that doesn't work anymore. Last minute and being lazy.

I really want to go back to those days when I just had to think of what to cook and eat when I wake up, do some jogging or cycling, cook, eat, and watch the square box till I fall asleep.

It's such a pain to actually wake up, and realize that I am actually nobody, and that whatever I've acquired these years, my education, is bullshit because I always got my way through, just because I have better memorizing skills that others.

People always assume that I am smart. But the fact that I know very well is, I am not. And how I got through with all the exams and assignments is still a gift from God which I call luck. Luck has always been on my side for the past few years. But I think it has left me this year.

And it feels like shit not having any luck.

Sometimes I just wish that I could turn back time, and I would not continue studying after SPM. Joining an airline as an attendant sounds like a good choice. Exploring the world, without having to pay for the flight tickets, and yet you still get paid.

But that would change my life totally. I wouldn't have met so many people who matter to me. People who have made an impact in my life in some ways, negative or positive. And of course I wouldn't have met this monkey in the strangest way, but ended up being the closest person to me now.

Right now, I really don't want to care about anything. I don't want to send out my resume. I don't want to attend any interviews. I don't want to have to report to my parents about my job hunting progress. I don't want to have to answer to my peers about my situation and condition. And I definitely don't want to enter the world of responsibilities and wage slaving.

All I want now, is to close my eyes, and forget the world.